Intertwining Anger and Shame

Anger hits me like flooring the accelerator and brake at the same time.  Quiet meditation slams into a murky wall.  Massive deceleration.  I’ve been allowing anger for a couple years now and it still feels like I’m on two wheels at times.  My 4yr old son Manu wants me at 5:30, 30 mins before his “wake up”.  I’ve had lots of practice learning what doesn't work in this scenario.  I can't “comfort” him and leave while I’m angry.  If I resign to staying, I betray myself and the anger grows into a resentful congealed mess, consuming incredible energy and leaving me exhausted.  If I get too close, we both feel more agitated.  So I kneel by the bed, an arms length from him and tell him that I feel angry and need a moment.  Feeling the parts of my body that feel calm and available - my forearms mostly, my system comes into a little more space.  I then let myself feel the anger.  It’s a hot, tight, high-frequency intensity in my chest.  I go into it and am swallowed up.  I’ve been here before.  Too far.  Backing out and feeling my forearms.  Breathing for awhile.  My legs are in the game now too.  Right - the edges.  Just the edges.  I feel the borders of the anger.  An image flashes of my mom.  Yea, that makes sense.  Some more space comes.  Staying at the edges of the sensations.  I know this energy will take care of itself with time and care.  Flashes of lightning and billowing dark clouds - right on the edge of a thunderstorm.  And not lost in it.  The ferociousness of it is beautiful.  More space.  Thoughts go to Manu and wondering how this is affecting him.  Slipping into judgement, I feel the congealing, stuckness of shame gaining ground.  So I loosen and allow the pain to be here without story. Yes, that’s more like it.  Just pain.  My desperation of not wanting him to inherit this has been calming in recent months, replaced by a caring resolve.  Back to the edge of the sensations while feeling my arms and legs.  I can feel the ground beneath me now too.  Realizing my wife will be willing to give me some time to meditate later in the morning is resourcing as well.  Slowly Manu and I navigate the storm and arrive at 6 o’clock.

Downstairs, I put on some intense music that feels resonant with the mixture of anger and despair.  I find myself dancing in the corner by the speaker that's playing quietly so my wife can get a bit more sleep.  Feeling a growing catharsis as the bigness of the energy finds its own way to move.  After the most intense song, I check in with Manu to see how he is feeling about the music.  “Happy…  It’s like a fight!”  Wow.  I melt in joy to feel us flowing together.  My wife comes out and gives me a long hug in the kitchen.  I feel like celebrating!  Some part of me, some part of my mom, some part of countless ancestors feels deeply welcomed and loved.  I love meditation.